On Control
It is never too late to be what you might have been. George Elliot
For most of my adult life, I didn’t realize I was being groomed to play a part. One where I was the perfect ___ (fill in the blank), but most of it was not who I am. My needs, wants, dreams, and values were all subjugated to another’s to create a world suited only to one person. Instead of a partnership where we were building together based on mutual respect, understanding, desire, empathy, and love, I was locked in a tower built with bricks laid, one after another, until all the light was shut out and suffocated my soul. My self worth, what little I’d had, was torn to shreds, and only my instinct for survival kept me holding on to the visages of who I was. I became numb. I shut myself off from feeling, not expressing my needs and wants, because when I would say anything, it would lead to recriminations and belittlement. I was in a dark place that became my comfort and I thought, my fate. Who was I? Nothing. I had no rights to anything, because it was deemed selfishness. It was literally a smile from a stranger that made me think — I am worthy — I am important — I matter. It took me almost 2 decades living in the tower before I saw that smile and had my epiphany while I was on a run in my neighborhood. When I reached home, I stood in front of a mirror and opened my eyes and truly saw my reality. What had I become? It’s a shattering realization to see yourself in a mirror and not recognize who you are, or rather, see what you’d allowed another person to shape you into. My light was almost snuffed out, and if I’m truthful, it had been extinguished. I was broken. I made the decision to save myself and get out.
It’s been some time since that day and I’m free, at least free to rebuild myself. I am free to chart my course, express my needs, my wants, and align my journey with my values. To rediscover who I am. To fan the embers and reignite my light. To resuscitate my soul. To embrace and love myself. It’s not an easy path, but it’s the path that is true to me and I need to survive. I’ve run into people who do not understand my choices, or worse, feel that they own my decisions. Who actively tell me I am wrong, that I don’t have the right to make a choice, that my choosing the path that is what I need to revive my soul and feel joy I have not experienced in decades is wrong. Selfish. All those words are echos of the world I lived in for so long, that sucked my soul dry and left me a hollow shell. I realize now it was all a game — one of control. One where my essence was snuffed out to feed another’s insecurities, fears, low self esteem, to fill a void. Except the irony is — it’s never enough. Even if I wanted to sacrifice my soul, out of love and compassion, to fill that void, it would never be enough. I know. I tried for 2 decades. I refuse to be locked in a tower anymore. I choose another path. I deserve to live.
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C.S. Lewis
