On Deja Vu

The other day I had my first appointment of the new year with my therapist. I’ve only been seeing her since August, but I feel like she’s a trusted friend. Whether that’s part of her job to engender that connection, who knows, but I feel like she’s a safe space to open up about recent events and dig deep into my past to root out issues I need to visit or revisit to help me deal not only with today, but to create a better future. Usually my sessions are partly me rambling, to both hide my discomfort and vague fear in being so open, and because I just don’t know if I’m doing this right, so it helps me gauge her reaction to what I’m sharing. As I settled on the couch, we started with pleasantries and then I jumped right into the blog I’d recently written, and how it had put some things into perspective by recognizing similarities in events and patterns of my behavior that weren’t beneficial to me.

In therapy I often get asked — what was the turning point in your relationship? When did you know that you had to change things? When did you know you had to leave? With my ex husband, there were so many things that were “red flags” I ignored or forgave, in my stupidity. My misguided belief that he loved and cared about me and wanted an equal partnership — like he’d always say, but his actions did not support. The time he threw all my clothes and things on the floor in my closet because he told me I was a terrible housekeeper and we lived in garbage (on repeat for decades). The time he destroyed the kids’ iPad by throwing it from the catwalk, or tore their Chromebook in two, because he said they played too many games and didn’t do activities he wanted them to do. The (first) time he punched a hole in the wall in rage. The time I don’t remember but my son reminded me of, when he slapped me in the face because I wasn’t listening to him while I was doing the dishes after dinner because, you know, he was always mad the house was so dirty so I was trying to be better and clean...the time he told me I wasn’t being a “wife” and didn’t deserve to sit in the passenger seat, so he told me I had to sit in the back with the kids or he’d leave me to find my way home. It wasn’t one thing, it was many things, repeated, until I finally said — no more.

Ironically he told me when I filed for divorce he loved me the way he knew how and that he didn’t understand why I felt the way I did and was ungrateful for everything he did for me. Was there love among all these actions? Did I misinterpret and not appreciate (as he told me) the things he believed he did to show me he loved me? Was it worth an effort to re-examine, try to understand if I was at fault and just not sufficiently grateful as he claimed, and try again? After all, we each have different love languages. But was I wrong to think that in marriage, and one of almost 2 decades, it was not simply a matter of inadequate communication and perspective that could be corrected, and really, it was a lack of desire and/or capacity to love, to connect, to honor a partner (I mean, it was in our wedding vows..) in the way the other needed? To refuse accountability for actions because of “love”?The disconnect, the repeated behaviors, the inconsistent “changes” all pointed to the fact that relationships are 100% each person showing up, and when one person doesn’t show up or want to do the work, there’s really no way that a relationship can continue, never mind flourish. And when words don’t match actions? Well, that’s called manipulation. Blame shifting? That’s gaslighting….and so on. As I researched behavior, relationships, trying to understand where I could do better and grow, I realized it wasn’t just me who needed to be doing this, it was also him. I had been so blinded by love, caring, a desire to make it work I’d neglected the truth…it was a sad, sad day when I realized this and looked around at what I had become and what I had allowed. It was no easy way out to correct this, and today I’m still working on understanding what I need to do to prevent these things from happening again. Because? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or for almost 20 yrs), shame on me. I allowed this to happen. It’s up to me to correct that.

So, I’ve been working on it, in many different ways because I believe in being the best me and leaving no stone unturned until I figure things out. I’ve been making progress. Small steps, repeated, have led to small improvements, small growth. But a recent severed relationship/friendship/whatever that was that was very important to me showed me I was repeating some of the old dynamic. I went in with a true desire to bring my best self as a work in progress, to build connection, I felt safe to be vulnerable, I trusted, because we’d known each other for a long time. But over time, I’d see how words and actions didn’t match. There were inconsistencies, a push pull dynamic, not just in my dealings but observed in many dealings this person had with others. Small things led to big things until I understood it was all a game. I realized I was still bringing with me the naivety that people are true to their word, that they want the best for others, and that their actions match those intentions. That what they say is what they mean. Are those bad expectations, for in a way they are expectations, to have? When you care deeply about someone, it’s difficult to reconcile what you know in your mind to be factual and the emotions that make us all human.

This experience led to more reflection and introspection. I thought to myself, is it an unrealistic expectation to think that people who say they care about you — care about your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being — do things that support those words? If a person cares, they don’t intentionally hurt you, right? So if they repeatedly do something or put you in a situation that is potentially harmful for you, physically, mentally, emotionally, do they really care about you? Especially if you’ve told them it is hurting you? If you see this person hurting others they claim to care about, repeatedly, is it that their the definition of “caring” and “Love” differs from yours in their relationships? You experience or see actions that put people — family, friends, strangers, themselves — in physical, mental, or emotional danger, again and again. Does this imply a broad disregard for everyone, including themselves? What does a profession of love, care, friendship mean if actions show that they’re willing to put others in harms way? Do love and caring have ubiquitous meaning and are they terms that have implicit “standards”? Are there core implications or intentions, such as “do no harm,” when someone says they love and care about you? And what does personal interpretation of those words mean, if they are not universally defined, in terms of what an individual values?

Needless to say, I often find myself going down rabbit holes in an attempt to create a logical, unbiased framework when the reality is often very simple. As all these thoughts tumbled out, I realized I was making things more complicated than needed. People are not complicated. We choose to do what we want because that’s who we are and what we value and who we choose to be. End of story.